Confused Middle Aged Woman by Lisa's Confused

Confused Middle Aged Woman

Thursday January 26, 2006

Knowing Me

I woke up this morning to someone massaging my lower back. At first I thought, am I dreaming but no I wasn't...it was my husband.

Me: "What are you doing?"

Him "You kept moving around so I know your back is bothering you."

Me: "Oh. Uh, thank you"

Him: "You're welcome"

He kept massaging me for about 30 minutes.

As I layed there, getting my lower back massaged, I realized that my husband does know me better than anyone.

I couldn't help but wonder if he knows that I was emotionally unfaithful to him.

It bothered me so much that I brought it up on the drive to work this morning...

Me: "I was reading about people who are emotionally unfaithful to their spouses."

Him: "I guess it's okay as long as they're not physically unfaithful to their spouses. I would draw the line at the physical unfaithful."

Dead Silence

Him: "You okay?"

Me: "Not really"

Him: "You're back. I'm glad. I think we don't need to talk about this."

Dead Silence the rest of the way in.

I dropped him off at his building and he kissed me goodbye.

Him: "I hope you have a good day today."

Me: "You too honey"

Him: "I do love you, you know that right?"

Me: "I know. Me too, I love you."

Him: "In the end, it's always going to be you and me."

I smiled at him and he walked into his building.

Now I just want to beat myself in my head.

Posted by Lisa's Confused at 12:55 PM - 2 Comments Add a Comment

Tuesday January 24, 2006

Goobye to the Knight

I've been avoiding the one I call "My Knight in Shining Armour".

My feelings about him are still strong but muddled -- but I know I have to bury whatever I feel about him if I am going to make my marriage work.

Well he's been calling and I've been putting him off....cancelling lunches, etc. Today I finally got the courage to call him to say goodbye. I explained to him that I couldn't throw in the towel on my marriage. I have to give it 110%.

No more meeting for lunch, no more phone calls, no more emails.....no more anything. I need to concentrate on my husband and my marriage.

He tried to convince me that I wasn't doing anything wrong. He tried to convince me that we are soul mates. He tried to convince me that we could be friends who just have lunch together.

I said no this is no good and hung up.

For the first time, I wasn't a spineless guppy.....but I still ended up in the bathroom crying.

Posted by Lisa's Confused at 4:09 AM - 6 Comments Add a Comment

Monday January 23, 2006

Counseling

Majority of the time my husband likes to do things the hard way. Nothing is ever simple.

So when he does agree to something, I run with it as fast as I possibly can.

He's been very agreeable about working harder on our marriage and has given me small clues that he is opening his mind.

So this week I pulled out the marriage counselor suggestion again. Just the mere mention of the words "Marriage Counselor" sent my husband into a tizzy.

We have gone so many rounds concerning counseling -- he doesn't want to go and at the same time he doesn't want me to go alone either. He wants us to work on this alone. I explain that they will teach us more about relationships and help us find the areas that we need to work on. But the answer never changes, it's always NO!

By Friday, I was really irritated so I asked him "What so wrong with counseling?"

Dead silence -- he hasn't spoken to me since.

One step forward, two steps back -- no one said that this was going to be easy and I've decided that I'm not going to give up.

Posted by Lisa's Confused at 4:13 AM - 3 Comments Add a Comment

Wednesday January 18, 2006

Lost and Found

They say everything happens for a reason. Like me getting laid off back in November -- what was good about you might ask, well it afforded me the opportunity to find an even better job.

At this better job, I was able to meet a man NT. NT reminds of my late Uncle Harry, who was more of a father figure to me than my own father.

For some odd reason NT came up to me on Monday and started to talk to me about his divorce. I was surprised to hear that he was divorced....he's such a nice man, I wonder why would this nice man get divorced.

He explained to me that he never wanted a divorce and was really clueless and oblivious to any problems within his marriage. Only when he was presented with the divorce papers did he realize that anything was wrong, however by that time his ex-wife had already made up her mind and was unwilling to work anything out.

Because they have two children, he want to make the process as amicable as possible although he admits that he was very, very bitter.

Through out the entire conversation he kept mentioning that he had lost his faith some time in his early 20's and it wasn't until a few years after his divorce did he come full circle and find his faith again.

He looked at me and said "Make yourself heard. Don't stop trying to get your husband to hear you."

He smiled and said "I can hear you on the phone even when you whisper, I can hear you through the cubicle wall. Don't worry, I'm the only one that can hear you."

I was kind of embarrassed, how many conversations has he heard.

He then added, "There is still a lot of love there between you and your husband. I can hear it in your voice."

After talking for over an hour he said that we need to continue this conversation and I agreed.

As he left my cubicle, I couldn't help but think here was a man that lost so much but also found so much.

I know I'm lost but at least there is some hope that I will be able to find myself.....someday.

Posted by Lisa's Confused at 12:02 PM - 1 Comment Add a Comment

Saturday January 14, 2006

Year of the Dog

My mother in law told me that my husband and I should have really good year this year. How does she know this.....I don't know. She reads this off of a paper that she gets from the Hongwanji and it's written in Japanese.

I just smiled at her and told her that I hope it's a better year.

During the holidays, I received a private message. The message suggested that my husband and I needed to take a month off and be together....well that's not word for word but you get the picture.

I told my husband that it's been a while since we've done anything just the two of us. He surprised me by saying "Well let's do something together". Well because of the fact that we are caring for two senior citizens, one of which lives with us, it hard to just get up and go. So he suggested a day together....breakfast, go to the beach to watch some big surf, etc.

On New Years I caught a really bad cold.....my head hurt, had major body aches, fever, coughing, sneezing....I had it all. But I wanted to spend the day with my husband because he never ever agrees with anything that I want to do.

So last Saturday, we get up and go to breakfast. I was so sick, just smelling the food made me feel worse. My husband had the waitress pack up the food to go and we came home.

We both changed back into pajamas and got back into bed. He popped in my favorite movie and took care of me. This has never happened before. I'm not going to say everything is 100% alright but I think, hope that my mother in law is right.....so far the year has started out pretty good.

Posted by Lisa's Confused at 5:36 AM - 1 Comment Add a Comment

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Author: Lisa's Confused
From Honolulu, Hawaii, USA
Age: 44

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